Are you dealing with a narcissist? Looking for someone to speak with? Enter your location to find phone numbers for domestic violence experts in your area. Have a question about domestic violence? Type your question below to find answers. Not Now. Select a discrete app icon. Next step: Custom Icon Title Next. The threat of physical harm plus the economic and physical isolation they usually find themselves in makes getting help even more difficult for the victims of domestic abuse.
Simply leaving can provoke more and greater violence. If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at for confidential assistance from trained advocates. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Updated May 14, Motivations for intimate partner violence in men and women arrested for domestic violence and court referred to batterer intervention programs.
Partner Abuse. National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. Understanding men who batter. From vigilance to violence: Mate retention tactics in married couples. J Pers Soc Psychol. Your Privacy Rights. To change or withdraw your consent choices for VerywellMind. At any time, you can update your settings through the "EU Privacy" link at the bottom of any page.
These choices will be signaled globally to our partners and will not affect browsing data. We and our partners process data to: Actively scan device characteristics for identification. I Accept Show Purposes. Table of Contents View All. I dont feel strong enough to heal myself on my own and my heart says he has good intentions bur that he will comtunue to break my heart.
Sorry for all the typos. I was typing fast through tears. I feel like a horrible woman who failed heee man in every way. I feel ashamed for feeling thianiant good enough. I am happier alone but i still feel the need to love someone the way i want to be loved…. You deserve the best. You can do this. Have you joined the Recovery Group? Oh to be in the place you are right now. You are not married to him and do not have kids with him.
Just think, down the road in years, if this is the life you want and the way you want to be treated. Please protect yourself and your future kids who will learn from his behaviour patterns, and be treated the same way he treats you- with lies and anger.. You deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and honesty and faithfulness and not cheated on!
Thank you for the supportive comments. I wanted to give a follow up. It has now been 16 months since my last post. I got pregnant last August with twins. He says he gets angry when i question him and i have uncovered more lies.
I had unexplained seizures in sept and one of the babies passed away. The ER said I was under too much stress. On Nov 29th I had another 5 bad seizured and almost bit off my tongue. I dont remember it and it made me have memory loss.
I dont remember thanksgiving with my other three children. They are so important to me and they have gone thru too much already. I lost my driving job because of the seizures, wenlost our house and had to sell almost everything. We had to move back to UT and got help from my family. I had to go a specialist to moniter tge baby because i was high risk amd they said the second set of seizures should have killed me and my baby. I asked many questions about what happened ro me and hiw he did with having all the nurses around one of gis many fantasies.
I has been so hard. I didnt have all the details to tell the neurologist about what happened. He has confessed thru anger and rage that last year he had an emotional affair, wanted sexual favors from another eoman and the third he eanted ro start a relationship with but said it was only because he found her cute — he said he never spoke to her.
He also admitted that he watched porn the whole time and was just using me. He said if I accused him then he relapsed. I saw him treat me with dishonor almost everyday… he pretended and admitted his stories changed and he lied to shut me up.
He just wanted to tell me what i wanted to hear. I wanted the truth but he refused. He still cannot confess to all the lies about past or present. When i catch him, he still denies or minimizes. Now our baby is almost two months.. I am still discovering more about his infidelity but only when he is angry with me. I am so ashamed that i couldnt leave. He agreed to go a therapist finally but he is still relapsing.
He saysbiys not a rrlapse because he was looking at pictures of me and didnt actually masterbate. I still dont trust and he wants me over it now. He says he is suffering when i am not rwsdy for sex and i feel obligated to keep him satsified so he doesnt have another excuse to cheat and blame me for it. I am devastated and a crazy mess. I cant swem to break free.
I gave him anal anf haf sex too soon after the baby. My sutures got torn and I hemmoriged for 5 days still spotting i am so afraid of nurses i just rode it out. I was exhausted and needed to sleep… that is when he resorted to going into the bathroom with nude pictures of me he took of me last week. He did eventually tell me but doesnt see my concern that may open the door for him to search for other photos.
He said he was horny and mad at me. I should just be happy it wasnt another woman. I am lost, tired and still trying. Have you considered filing a protective order and filing charges for the nude photos he has of you? And rape? Do you know where your local domestic violence organization is? They can help you. I totally get that. I will pray that you have enough energy to get to safety. Prayers are coming your way!
I am confused … we went to therapist after i posted and i read your comment after we got home last night. I triedbro find out more info about the photos and my bf got angry frustrated and saud it wasnt more than twice but refused to answer them again. I said he is on trial for murdering my heart. The therapist told tyen said we need to work on our communication. While i a still silently crying — he led us in a meditation to accept our feelings and let them go.
He said to keep meditating and to keep a journal. He also told me i need to accept that if i stay, the relapses are going to continue and he needs to know if i am strong enough to handle that witbout belittling my bf.
I said i felt ashamed, ugly and i need saftey now. I have been enduring this for years. He said we both have to ro work on our childhood issues first so my bf wont pay for the sins of my past partners.
I need to control my self. He never said i was entitled to the truth now or in the past. I am so confused. I never want to refuse sex or favors. I would rather act out his fantasies and trybro give him what he drsires from these women.
I feel if i did all thosw things then he wouldnt have a reason to cheat. When he was still watching porn and looking for other oartners — i was giving him sex all the time.
Sometimes 3 times a day. I gave him permission and i still do to try and find some sort of safety. He is very sweet and kind unless i bring up infidelity, ask questions or remind him i still have triggers every second of every day.
He said we wouldnt fight if i just let it go and trust him. Which i need more proof of honesty and commitment befoee i feel i can trust again.
I cannot go to a shelter — they will think i am ridiculous. She isnt concerned at all. I will be told i have no bruises and theu wont believe me. Plus the entire town will be against me. My familu feels sexual abuse is okay also and that i must keep my man satisfied to keep him from cheating. I feel i have given everything physically emotionally mentally and spiritually but i am not getting honesty and commitment to change in return.
What am i doing wrong? He listened to your podcast about abuse and grooming with me. At first i thought abuse was too strong of a word but you described our relationship. I am all alone. He tries to be gentle. He just moved onto that i need to accept this is how he is and to be patient while he works thru his own trauma. Now i feel selfish and abandoned.
If i didnt value myself then why am i fighting so hard for him to treat me with honor and respect. I dont want to be just his sex toy… i want to be woman. A lady. A mother and a suppotive wife. I feel foolish — alone — selfish — and that i caused this by asking him to respect me.
He said i am too demanding aand controlling and he has already changed. Sex is his reward and i seem to agree as that is more scary to say no.
I feel the fear come flooding in uncontrollably when i want to say no and demand respect. He says he is waiting for me and sometimes he has to wait a week or even two weeks! It is torture for him and i feel so guilty… then i am afraid that he has another reason to cheat. I am lost and feel so alone. I love him… your comments help and i keep reading my post to makw surr i am not making him out to be a monster.
He isnt a monster and i still feel i deserve a faithful man but i also have never met one willing to wait for me. You need a therapist who is an expert at emotional abuse and sexual coercion — in other words, rape. Sexual coercion is a form of rape. Have you listened to this podcast on marital rape? The Truth About Wife Rape. Please please find a way to leave this man!!
He is a classic abuser who thinks of no one but himself. Your therapist is not educated about abuse. You are caught in the cycle, believing his lies, and unable to see a way out or that you need to. Please find a Domestic Violence shelter or call a hotline who can point you to help. And the most important thing is you cannot tell him; he will use it against you and look for ways to keep you trapped.
He will only get worse. You deserve better!! Your couples therapist is doing what a lot of couples therapists do, which is to misunderstand, dismiss, invalidate and blame you. Every single thing that therapist said to you was wrong, unethical, and deeply harmful and re-traumatizing for you. Get out of the therapy and out of that deeply abusive relationship ASAP.
I would be very careful. I was having unexplained seizures. Turns out my abusive spouse was choking me in my sleep.
Get out. All of these descriptions sound like things I do to my husband. Does that mean I am a narcissist? I hate my husband and blame him for everything. I believe it is all his fault, because I do not have any problems at all, except him.
I am beautiful and kind, and deserve the best the world has to offer. I am so glad I found your site. Now I know that my problems will go away if I just divorce him and take away the children. Thank you so much. Have you considered our daily, online group for support? It has given me incredible strength to read your stories and feel your pain as if it were my own.
I too am doing my best to recover from a 5 year long narcissistically-abusive relationship that took almost everything from me.
Thank you for your strength and perseverance. To the author: There is good information in this article. Two criticisms: can you please edit your article to fix grammatical and spelling errors to maintain is credibility so I can use this info with other women I know struggling with similar issues?
I want to use it as critical thinking and sound psychological assistance. Please consider reinforcing the content with stronger theory and credibility. Thank you so much for your feedback! Can you please email your feedback to anne. Thank you! How about another update. Ironically — i wasnt going to file a protective order but I had an overwhelming need to. I was filling out paperwork at the exact time he was binging on several videos.
I was gone less than 24 hours and the cops took me home after he left. I did not do a no contact. I was over at his parents house letting him have a supervised visit with our baby when him and his very physically abuse father got into a bad fight. Body slamming — clothes ripping- punches and biting. When abuse victims are able to safely escape and remain free from their abuser, they often survive with long-lasting and sometimes permanent effects to their mental and physical health; relationships with friends, family, and children; their career; and their economic well-being.
Victims of domestic violence experience an array of emotions and feelings from the abuse inflicted upon them by their abuser, both within and following the relationship. They may also resort to extremes in an effort to cope with the abuse. Victims of domestic violence may:. These are among the many reasons victims of domestic violence either choose to stay in abusive relationships or feel they are unable to leave.
Safety Exit! What Makes a Relationship Abusive?
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